SHE ONLY SEES ME AS HER FRIEND
“Why are you crying?” I asked her, dahilan para mapalingon ito sa’kin.
“I–Ivan.” She hugged me tightly pagkatapos niyang sambitin ang mga pangalan ko.
“Hush, what happened?” I hugged her back and carries her hair.
“S–Sila na, I saw how he proposed to her and asked her if she’s w–willing to be his girl. Ang sakit, sakit.” Nakagat ko ang ibaba kong labi dahil sa mga salitang binitawan niya.
She’s crying again because of that guy. He’s so lucky, because this girl besides me was into him. He was d-mn lucky, for he was loved by the girl whom I love.
“Is it r–really hard to love me? Bakit ba hindi niya ako pwedeng mahalin kagaya ng pagmamahal niya kay Savi?”
‘Bakit hindi mo rin ako kayang mahalin kagaya ng pagmamahal mo sa kaniya?’ I want to say those words, but I chose not to.
“Stop crying, okay? Nasasaktan ako kapag nakikita kitang ganito.” Namayani ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin pagkatapos kong sabihin ang mga salitang ‘yon.
Kasabay nang pag-angat nito ng tingin, she tried to smile para ipakita sa’king okay lang siya.
“He doesn’t deserve a woman like you. He doesn’t deserve your love for him.” I whispered as I shed her tears.
“Do I–I look desperate? Ganito talaga siguro k-kapag nagmahal ka.”
‘Yes, kasi ganiyan din ako simula no’ng minahal kita.’
—-
After that day, I thought she would stop from chasing and loving that guy. Ang lalaking una niyang naging kaibigan, at una niyang minahal. The guy who owns her heart. Pero hindi siya tumigil, umabot pa sa point na lumuhod siya sa harap nito para lang mahalin siya.
“Stop this sh-t, Shan! Nagmumukha kang desperada at kawawa sa ginagawa mo! He doesn’t l–love you, Please just accept that fact.” Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili kong isumbat sa kaniya ang mga salitang ‘yon.
“P-Pero mahal ko siya!” she shouted, her face was filled with tears.
“Hindi ba’t ikaw na rin ang nagsabi na kapag mahal mo ang isang tao, handa kang gawin ang lahat para sa kaniya? I am doing all of this, b–because I love him so much.”
‘At ginagawa ko rin ang lahat ng ‘to dahil mahal kita!’ I wanted to burst out, and shout those words pero hindi ko ginawa.
It d-mn hurts to see the girl you love wasting tears for someone, especially when that ‘someone’ is not you.
“May girlfriend na siya, can’t you see? Mahal nila ang isa’t isa, so please just stop.”
“M–Masama ba? Gusto ko lang naman mahalin niya, g-gusto ko lang naman sumaya.” Napaupo ito sa sahig habang nakatakip ang dalawang kamay sa...

kaniyang mukha.
“B–Bakit kasi siya pa? He will never love you the way you love him. Pero ako? I love you more than you love that guy, so b–bakit hindi nalang din ako, Shan?”
Napaangat ito ng tingin, she looked directly at my eyes. Tumayo ito tyaka nagpahid ng kaniyang mga luha.
“Anong s–sinabi mo?”
“Mahal kita, Shan. Mahal na mahal kita, kaya nga ako nanatili sa tabi mo, ‘di ba? Isang tawag mo lang, nandiyan na ako. I even sacrificed my own happiness, just to see you being happy. Kahit na ang sakit, sakit makita kang may mahal na iba.”
“Ako nalang kasi, Please? Bakit kasi hindi mo ako kayang mahalin, the way you love h–him?” Umiling-iling ito habang humihikbing nakatingin sa akin.
“Because you are not him!” Five words but shattered my heart in millions of pieces. She’s right, I am not him.
“And you are not also her, kaya nga h–hindi ka niya kayang mahalin, ‘di ba?” I spoke that made her stopped.
“Stop your feelings for me, Ivan. Hindi kita kayang mahalin, we’re just friends! At hanggang do’n lang ‘yon.” She looked directly at my eyes while saying those words.
“I don’t want you to be selfless, martyr and desperate because of that d-mn st-pid love. Ayaw k–kong matulad ka sa’kin.”
Pero sa pananatili ko sa tabi mo sa loob ng ilang taon kahit alam kong may mahal kang iba, isn’t that called ‘martyr and st-pid’?
“Starting this day, I want you to forget me. Kalimutan mong may nage-exist na Shaniah sa mundo mo. Please, d-mn f–forget about me!”
“I c-can’t.” I shook my head, nagsimula na ring tumulo ang mga luha sa mata ko.
“Yes, y–you can! Kinaya mong mabuhay minsan na walang ako sa buhay mo, at kakayanin mo ‘yon.”
“I can’t stop myself from loving him, and if you continue to stay here by my side. Patuloy lang kitang masasaktan. I love you, pero hindi sa paraang gusto mo. Mahal kita pero hindi kagaya ng pagmamahal ko para sa kaniya.” she added as she left me.
If you love someone you are willing to do everything, you are willing to be martyr and desperate. Like I did to her, and what she is doing right now to him.
But, I forgot that if you also love someone you are always willing to sacrfifice your feelings for her/him para maging masaya siya.
Ang pagkakamali ko, ipinaglaban ko siya habang iba ang ipinaglalaban niya. It f-cking hurts to be into someone who can’t reciprocate your feelings. Na sa kabila ng lahat ng nagawa mo para sa kaniya, iba parin ang tinitibok ng puso niya.
words by; Rarity