A SMILE HIDES THE PAIN
“Did you love me because you love me or because I’m the only one you have?”
I can still clearly remember how we made a promise, one starry night—7 years ago.
“Til death do us part huh? Aasahan ko yan ugok. Pag di mo yan tinupad, susunugin ko talaga bahay niyo.” nanghahamong sambit mo while flashing a bright smile that could melt every man’s heart.
I smiled in return and said, “Til death do us part, baby. I promise.”
Childish but we did the “pinky promise” underneath the moon and stars. They were witnesses of how we sealed that night with a promise, and a kiss.
Our relationship went well. Some even say that we’re an ideal couple. An almost perfect one. Kesyo ang swerte daw natin sa isa’t isa.
Oo lalaki ako but everytime I’m hearing those kind of compliments, kinikilig talaga ako.
Subalit sadyang napaka-mapaglaro ng tadhana.
Funny how my wish to see you walk down the aisle as my bride turned into ashes because of your fucking father’s will.
“L-let’s end t-this.”
I laughed, hoping this was just one of your shitty pranks.
“Arat! Mang Inasal tayo, libre ko.” I said and held your hand pero tinabig mo lang ‘to.
I stared at you and tears started to fall down from your eyes.
Hindi ako mapakali at agad kitang niyakap. “Hey, I’m sorry, nasaktan ba kita? Tell me, baby. Anong kasalanan ko, please? Shh, s-stop crying. Wag ka namang ganto oh, n-nasasaktan rin ako.”
Instead of answering, kumawala ka lang sa yakap at saka kinuha ang isang bagay that shattered my heart into pieces.
Napako ako sa kinatatayuan ko at napatitig sa hawak mong pregnancy test na may dalawang linya.
Hindi pwede.
Nagsimulang manginig ang kamay ko.
“Wala namang n-nangyari sa atin ah? I r-respect your virginity. I promised na aantayin k-kita hanggang sa makasal na tayo. Please remember that b-baby. N-nagbibiro kalang diba? P-please tell me na hindi sayo yan. I’m begging you… p-please.”
Hindi ko na nakayanan. Nanghina na ang mga tuhod ko. I can’t bare the pain anymore. Kung ano-ano nalang ang pumasok sa isip ko.
Hindi ako makapaniwala.
AYAW KONG MANIWALA!
Lumuhod ka din, pinantayan ako ng tingin and lifted my chin up. “P-please, it’s for your sake. M-move on and find another woman. L-let’s just accept the fact na h-hanggang dito nalang ta一”
“So you think ganon lang kadali?! For years of being together you think mabibitawan lang kita agad-agad?! For years of waiting to be fucking married with you ganito lang pala kahahantungan?! Binigay ko naman ang lahat putangina naman! Tell me sa’n ako nagkulang! Tell m-me… p-please.”
Humagulgol ka din, tila nagpapalakasan ang ingay na dulot ng ating paghikbi.
My system’s almost shutting down. Ito na ata ang pinakasakit na nangyari sa buong buhay ko. Ikaw lang ang babaeng minahal ko. Ikaw lang ang babaeng pinangakuan kong makakasama habambuhay. But f-fuck…
You hugged me and uttered, “S-sorry.”
Napapikit nalang ako. What did I do to experience this? Do I deserve this kind of pain? I d-demand an explanation.
Ang hirap pala talaga pag solid ka magmahal kasi solid ka din masaktan.
Minutes of hugging until I decided to let go. This time, ako na ang kumawala sa yakap.
I need to ask you ‘that’.
“Baby, I want you to be honest this time.” I paused, wiped off some tears and continued, “Did you love me because YOU LOVE ME? Or because I’M THE ONLY ONE YOU HAVE?”
I looked at you hoping to hear, “Because I love you, Lemuel.”
But our thoughts were contradicting.
“The latter, I love you because you’re the only one I have, Lemuel.” you answered and that literally broke myself as a whole.
S-shit.
So I was just your “for experience purposes” pala.
You stood up and looked at me with those cold eyes. “Now that you’ve heard my answer, sana naman alam mo nang wala na tayong pag-asa. If you really love me, you’ll let me go. I loved you Lemuel, goodbye.”
I stared at you with my eyes pleading for a fucking chance. Magagawan pa naman ata to ng paraan. Papanagutan ko ang nasa sinapupunan mo kahit hindi ko ‘to anak. If being a father of someone else’s child would make me live with you for the rest of my life, I’ll do it.
I was about to say that but you left immediately.
You left me dumbfounded.
You left me hanging.
Ni hindi mo man lang hinintay ang sasabihin ko.
I tried contacting you but you continued ignoring me.
Until now, I can’t accept what happened.
Months had passed and I can say that you’ve finally moved on. Nakikita kong masaya ka naman kapiling ang mapapangasawa mo. Sa IG posts niyo palang, halata na.
You were happily living your life out there while here I am, still stucked in misery, hoping for that day to come na makikita kita ng diretsahan sa mata na wala nang nararamdaman pa.
But the thought of it hurts me...

more.
I even reminisced that time when you jokingly said, “Isang dosenang anak gusto ko ahh. Sayang naman tamod mo.”
Di na ba natin tutuparin ‘yon? Hanggang dito nalang ba talaga?
Fuck.
But here comes another twist.
Unexpectedly, July 14 this year, the day before your wedding, and also our 7th anniversary sana, nakipagkita ka sa dating tagpuan at may inamin sa’kin.
To my surprise, my eyes widened at everything you said.
It turned out you were just forced into an arranged marriage.
Your father, whom isn’t supportive on our relationship in the first place, planned every single thing and all you did was to follow it for things to work smoothly.
Hindi totoong buntis ka. Hindi totoong mayroon kang iba. Hindi rin totoong minahal mo siya.
Kasi sa simula’t sapul, ako lang ang nilalaman ng puso mo. Ako lang at wala ng iba pa.
You did that back then to push me away from you. Ayaw mong ipagsiksikan ko pa ang sarili ko sayo. Ayaw mong makita kitang tinatali sa iba.
Akala ko ako na ang nakaranas ng pinakamasakit na trahedya sa buhay. Akala ko napakadaya ni tadhana sa’kin.
Funny how I thought you cheated when all this time you were enduring the REAL PAIN alone.
I was a fool to believe on your white lies. I was a fool to not dig in deeper. I was a fool to let you go that easily just because I saw a fucking proof that showed you were pregnant when as a matter of fact, you weren’t.
I was a fool and a coward.
Kung hindi ako naging tanga, sana nagawan ko pa ng paraan.
Pero wala na, huli na ang lahat.
Now there you are, standing, smiling in front of me na parang walang nangyari.
“Still remember how we used to wait for 11:11 to struck back then?”
Kahit di kita makita nang maayos dahil sa mainit na likidong pumupuno sa aking mga mata buhat ng ayaw paawat na luha, tumango pa rin ako.
“Guess this will be my last 11:11 with you.” you said and wiped off my tears while smiling bitterly. “I’m sorry for lying. Nakita ko naman na kahit papano’y nakamove-on kana.”
N-no.
I ddid not move on. I never tried moving on. I want you back. P-please be mine again.
Those were the words I badly want to say to you pero hindi ko magawa. Tila umurong ang dila ko.
Kasabay ng pagbuhos ng luha sa’king mga mata ang siya ring pagbuhos ng malakas na ulang tila nakikiramay sa’king pagdadalamhati.
You cupped my face and stared at me na para bang sinusulit ang nalalabing oras na magkasama pa tayo.
“3… 2… 1… 11:11.” you paused and then uttered those words that broke my heart again. “Lemuel Marquez, always remember, I loved you.” you said and I felt the lips of a Hazel Santos for the last time.
‘I loved you.’
LOVED.
Past tense. So hanggang dito nalang talaga tayo.
Wala na tayong magagawa, tadhana na mismo ang nagpapalayo sa’tin.
I love you and I would still really do but now that I heard you said “I LOVED YOU”, guess it’s time to accept the fact too.
Damn.
“You may now kiss the bride.” with father’s words, his lips touched yours’.
Despite what happened, I still managed to see you bid vows with another man the day after I knew the truth.
Napaka-enggrande ng kasal niyo. Halatang pinaghandaan ng sobra-sobra. Talo talaga ako na walang maipagmalaking pera.
I sighed heavily.
While everyone’s crying for joy, here I am, at the corner, silently crying in sorrow.
“Be happy for her, Lemuel. Stop crying you piece of shit. You’re a man for pete’s sake! Wag ka nang iiyak. Kahit anong gawin mo, wala pa ring magbabago. Laban lang, g-gago.” I said, tryin’ to cheer myself up amidst this sadness.
I wiped off my tears at nakisabay nalang sa mga bisitang kanina pa kinikilig dito sa inyong dalawa.
After the ceremony, we were gathered together for a picture taking.
Damn, seeing you in that elegant dress, you look so beautiful in white, baby.
The groom pulled you closer to him and I was left on the other side, tryin’ to avoid the awkwardness present.
“Say cheese!”
With the photographer’s signal, I still tried to flash my sweetest smile to adapt the joyful ambience here in your reception.
As cliché as it may sound pero totoo nga pala talaga yung sinabi nila.
“Pinagtagpo pero hindi Tinadhana.”
Sa akin mo pinangako pero sa iba mo tinupad.
I’m just your prologue ’cause he’s your epilogue.
I thought we were both the main characters of our love story but it turned out na extra lang pala ako.
Well, guess this would be the end of our story.
You already unlocked another chapter of your life without me.
Sa akin ka nagtagal pero sa iba ka kinasal.
As I looked at our picture, I still managed to say,
“A smile really, REALLY hides the pain.”
—
Written by Max- Max Badi