IS KILLING YOURSELF CAN BE CALLED A SIN?”
By: Marinella
(Warning: This story contains vulgar words and self-harm. Read at your own risk)
Walking at the neighborhood I heard it. The words that’s hunting me.
”Napaka landi naman n’ya.”
”Jusko! Hindi ba s‘ya pinalaki ng maayos?”
”Naku! Ganiyan siguro kapag kating kati, pati matanda ay pinapatulan.”
Those words was like a knife hitting my chest. How can they be so cruel? Is it right to judge me without knowing the real story.
Hindi ko sila pinansin at patuloy lang sa paglakad. I’m so disgusted with myself. Naglakad lang ako hanggang sa abutin ako ng dilim. Nang makarating ako sa bahay ay agad akong sinampal ng aking ina.
”P*ta kang babae ka!”
Touching my swollen cheeks, I asked her, ”W-why?”
Again, for the second time, she hit me. Maririnig sa buong bahay ang tunog ng sampal n’ya.
”Saan ka galing kagabi?! Bakit hindi ka umuwi?!”
Hindi ako makasagot. . . I don’t have the guts to tell her what happen that night.
”Sabihin mo sa akin! Ano?! Pinalaki kita ng maayos pero yung utak mo napaka kitid!”
”P*tangina Maria! Kating kati ka na ba at pati ang uncle mo ay pinatulan mo?!”
I thought her slap is the most painful thing she did to me, I’m wrong because her words hurts like hell. Her words hit my heart to the point that it felt like dying.
I run to my room and shut my door leaving a loud banging sound.
I can still hear her screaming, calling me on different names, ’bitch’ ’slut’ ’puta’ and a ’disgrace’.
Clutching my pillow, I let it all out— I cried, and only me can hear my sob. Who would’ve thought that crying silently can be this painful.
My whole body hurts like hell, my mind feels like giving up. My hearts...

seems to die at any moment. I have bruises yet my mother didn’t notice it. I have a cut in my lips, still bleeding.
They judge me without knowing what really happened. Napakadali para kanila ang husgahan ako. Kahit ang magulang ko ay hindi manlang ako pinagpaliwanag.
Would it make difference if I defend myself, telling them the whole story? No, they will still judge me, throwing indecent words.
Would it be a sin if I choose to cut my wrist using this blade?
Would it be a sin if I choose to end my life?
Is killing myself can be called a sin?
Can you call it a sin when it is the only way to escape the pain?
Can you call it a sin when killing myself is a freedom?
Yes, maybe it’s a sin, but judging me without knowing the truth is an indescribably wickedness.
I shouted, loud enough to be heard in the whole house. I screamed saying the same thing for the ’nth times.
”HE RAPED ME!”
Hugging myself I added, ”That man— my uncle, He raped me!”
”Fuck it! He’s evil!”
My vision gets blurry because of crying, pero hindi nakatakas sa’kin ang gulat na mukha ni mama habang nakatayo sa pinto ng kwarto ko.
Her hands covering her mouth, trying to control her sob. Hindi malaman kung lalapit ba s’ya sa akin o hindi. In the end she walked in the bed where I’m laying.
”Yes, he raped me, and I’m suffering because of him.”
I looked at my mother, back to my wrist. My breathing becomes slow. I’m dying. . . And my mother, she’s there watching me as I lost my consciousness. She’s holding my wrist trying to stop the blood that’s coming out.
Call me a sinner, but you can’t blame me if chose this path.